Ah, Paris. The City of Light, the epicenter of romance, the home to the Eiffel Tower—sounds perfect, doesn’t it? Wrong. Here are six hilariously persuasive reasons you should strike Paris off your bucket list immediately, unless, of course, you enjoy subjecting yourself to unbearable beauty and charm that is borderline offensive.
How did we come up with this list, you ask? Well, it was no small feat. We braved the cobblestone streets lined with quaint cafes, endured the symphonies of street musicians, and stoically sampled the endless varieties of cheese and pastry. Someone had to do this tough job, you know. All this suffering has given us the authority to affirm that Paris might just be too much of a good thing.
Now, don’t get us wrong, we’re all for good croissants and the occasional turtleneck sweater, but there’s a line, my friends, and Paris has crossed it with artistic flair. We will guide you through the treacherous world of too-perfect postcards and suspiciously baguette-scented alleyways that could lead your senses astray.
So sit back, forget those French classes you almost signed up for, and let us entertain you with a tongue-in-cheek exposé on why Paris should be marked as ‘dangerously delightful’ in your travel guide.
6 Reasons To NEVER Visit Paris
1. The Eiffel Tower is Far Too Instagrammable
Can you imagine the stress of trying to get the perfect selfie with this iron behemoth in the background? The lighting has to be just right, and heaven forbid that another tourist photo bombs you with their tacky ‘holding up the tower’ pose. Also, if you forgo visiting, think of all the time you’ll save not having to figure out which filter best accentuates the 300 meters of steel obtrusiveness.
2. French Pastries Will Ruin Your Diet
I implore you to consider the sheer number of calories lurking in every buttery, flaky, delicious croissant. Your waistline will absolutely not thank you after you’ve gone on a pastry spree at every boulangerie from Montmartre to Le Marais. It’s a trap of carbohydrate decadence, and you—strong-willed person you are—don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
3. The Louvre is Overwhelmingly Large
Prepare to walk the equivalent of a marathon to see all 38,000 works of art. And for what? To catch a glimpse of the Mona Lisa behind a fortress of selfie sticks and reflective glass? You’re better off gazing at a postcard—you’ll see just as much of the painting without any of the elbowing or the disappointment of realizing she’s actually quite small.
4. The French Language is Too Romantic
Every time you open your mouth to speak your high school French, you’ll sound woefully less suave than every local around you. The language of love? More like the language of “why can’t I roll my ‘Rs’ like that?” Save yourself the existential linguistic crisis and stick to places where your accent is considered charming, not a cause for sympathetic smirks.
5. Café Culture Encourages Relaxation and Pondering Life
Parisians just love to loiter in cafes for hours, engaging in ‘deep’ conversations or people-watching with an air of nonchalance. Who needs that kind of peaceful reflection and joy in their life? Certainly not someone who revels in the non-stop hustle of snarled traffic and the sweet sound of horns blaring.
6. Love is in the Air, Everywhere You Look Around
Couples galore, clinging to each other as if romance was going out of fashion. If you’re not careful, you might catch feelings or—worse yet—find that special someone staring across the flickering candle of a tiny bistro table. And then what? You live happily ever after? Pfft. Spare me the fairy tale.