Bonjour, fellow travelers and connoisseurs of the not-so-fine art of staying home! Before you pack your bags and say ‘au revoir’ to your comfy couch, let me tell you about the 10 reasons why you should absolutely, under no circumstances, consider visiting France. This is not your typical travel guide. Oh, no. This is a warning label wrapped in a croissant.
How did I come up with such an anti-bucket list, you may wonder? It all began on a gloomy afternoon, a day so devoid of the joie de vivre that it compelled me to imagine the most terrifyingly delightful place on Earth. That’s when it hit me: France. So, after much giggling and sipping on decidedly non-French instant coffee, I composed this definitive list to save you from making the grave mistake of falling under France’s enchanting spell.
As your friendly neighborhood bearer-of-bad-news, I’m here to share with you the perilous journey that awaits should you decide to ignore my advice. I mean, why would anyone want to surround themselves with fluffy, buttery pastries and streets echoing with the sound of “La Vie en rose”? It’s practically a fairytale nightmare. And just imagine, how could you ever return to your plain old local bread after you’ve had a love affair with a perfectly crusty baguette? It’s a slippery slope, my friends.
10 Reasons Why You Should NEVER Travel To France
1. The Baguettes Are Far Too Crusty
Imagine the horror of biting into a fresh, warm baguette, only to realize you may never enjoy regular bread again. The French baguette is a gateway to a lifetime of cravings for perfect crunch-to-softness ratio that just can’t be found anywhere else.
2. There’s a Surplus of World-Class Wine That Might Spoil Your Palate
Once you sip on a fine Bordeaux or Burgundy, there’s no going back to that $5 bottle you thought was a steal. French wines will ruin average wines for you forever.
3. The Art Museums Are Overly Inspiring
Hours in the Louvre or Musée d’Orsay can lead to a dangerous level of inspiration, possibly prompting life-changing decisions like radically changing careers to become an art historian or whimsical street painter.
4. The French Language Sounds Too Romantic
You might fall in love with the melodic sound of French or worse, have someone whisper sweet nothings in your ear in the language of love, and suddenly “I need to take out the garbage” will never sound as appealing in English again.
5. The Cafés Are Too Charming
French cafés with their perfect espresso and people-watching opportunities will spoil your taste for drive-thru coffee and well, why rush when you can take it slow… Trop lent!
6. The Fashion Sense is Intimidating
Practice your best sartorial swagger. After observing Paris fashion, you’ll feel a compelling need to maintain a wardrobe that is invariably chic — sweatpants and old college hoodies will be resigned to the closet, possibly for good.
7. The Pastries Could Lead to Sweet Addictions
Croissants, éclairs, macarons – these aren’t mere pastries; they’re a way of life. Once you’ve tasted authentic French pastry, the neighborhood donut might lose its charm.
8. The Countryside is Annoyingly Picturesque
Fields of lavender in Provence, the rolling vineyards of the Loire Valley – France’s beauty can be downright distracting. There’s a real risk you’ll become one of those people who post incessant travel photos making everyone else jealous.
9. French Cheese Might Lead to Existential Questions
With over 1,000 types of cheese, you might find yourself pondering life’s other daunting questions, like “Have I been living a lie? What have I been eating all this time?”
10. The Relaxed Lifestyle Could Frustrate the Overachiever in You
The French have an infuriating talent for living well. Good luck keeping up your frenetic pace in a culture that values long lunches and even longer vacations.
Take each point with a grain of salt (or should we say, a sprinkle of herbes de Provence?) as they are all in good fun, celebrating the very things that make France so enchanting and irresistible to visitors.